


The Smell of cigarettes

by eloquent_apollo



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Andrew wont come back lmao he stays dead, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cancer, Learning how to move on, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Uhm, comfort from friends, sort off, that kind of stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-28
Updated: 2019-11-05
Packaged: 2021-01-06 00:29:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21217580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eloquent_apollo/pseuds/eloquent_apollo
Summary: Nicky’s loud sobs are an all too painful reminder to Neil of the reality that lays before him. The cremation-Andrew’s cremation. Andrew had insisted on planning it all after the news came. He wanted to be in charge while he still could, because soon his body would stop working for him. The thought was frightening. Neil had a hard time dealing with it, but Andrew had calmly planned it all. Deep down Neil was glad, because that meant he didn’t have to do it himself. He couldn’t handle the reality, not even when the doctor had explained it to them.orAndrew dies of lung cancer and Neil has to learn how to move on





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A HUGE thanks to my beta readers! Without you guys this story wouldn't be here  
So thank you, [ Laura](https://lautjess.tumblr.com)  
& [ Emma](https://ouiagay.tumblr.com)  
& [ TT](https://thedamagedminds.tumblr.com)  
and the others who don't have a tumblr for reading this and helping me decide on what ending to use. Couldn't have done it without you guys!!  
Also I'm sorry in advance

Nicky’s loud sobs are an all too painful reminder to Neil of the reality that lays before him. The cremation-  
Andrew’s cremation. Andrew had insisted on planning it all after the news came. He wanted to be in charge while he still could, because soon his body would stop working for him. The thought was frightening. Neil had a hard time dealing with it, but Andrew had calmly planned it all. Deep down Neil was glad, because that meant he didn’t have to do it himself. He couldn’t handle the reality, not even when the doctor had explained it to them.

“I’m sorry, Mister Minyard. The cancer has spread, there is nothing else we can do. We can continue the treatment, but only to improve the quality of your life while it lasts.”  
Quality of life. What a load of fucking horse shit. He had pushed through for another 2 months. 2 months was all he got, and after that he was gone. Those two months were hell for both Neil and Andrew. Andrew became bedridden, he couldn’t even walk to the bathroom or clean himself. Nurses came by and helped him with it. Neil couldn’t stand to watch it all, but he also couldn’t leave Andrew alone. Thinking about it all hurts Neil too much. He focuses instead on the other foxes in front of him. Nicky is silently staring at him, as is Coach Wymack. He realises someone must have asked him a question. He completely missed it, but he knows what to answer either way. The words are out of his mouth before he puts any thought behind them

“I’m fine.” 

It’s an all too comfortable and automatic response, as much as it is a lie. Neil isn’t fine. Neil doubts he’ll ever be fine again. Still, even though anybody in the room can tell the lie apart, no one calls Neil out on it. Renee just gives him a sympathetic smile, and the others continue on their talk. If it wasn’t for the bags under his eyes a stranger might have once believed him. But these people aren’t strangers. These are the foxes. These people are his family and they had learned to understand Neil like no other had.

-

Most of the cremation passes in a blur. Andrew had insisted on being cremated, insisted on playing his favourite music throughout the service. It made for a strange sight, seeing all these people cry to the sound of Into the fire by Asking Alexandria. The only thing Neil truly remembered was following the casket all the way to the ovens, hand placed securely on the casket as if to keep Andrew close to him one last time. Then the casket was gone, replaced by a closed door and the smell of smoke. It wasn’t until the service people asked Neil to leave, so they could prepare for the next service, that Neil finally left through the double door to join the other old foxes. The foxes offered no condolences, and Neil felt relieved. He wasn’t sure if he could deal with them. He wasn’t sure how much further his heart could take before he would have a break down in front of all the others.

“You can stay the night at my place if you’d like?” Matt offered.

“No. I’m going back to the apartment,” Neil replies, his voice barely above a whisper.  
Not home, Neil thinks. It’s not home if Andrew’s not there. Now it’s just another apartment that he once lived in, another name, another story. Neil wants nothing more than to run, and he thinks the others know it too. still, no one protests against it either. 

They let Neil get in the car with Nicky and Aaron, who drive him to his apartment. The apartment is small, just big enough for two people to live with their 2 cats. But now, without Andrew’s presence in the house with him it feels so undeniably

Big  
and  
Wrong.

Just the thought of being in here alone is enough to make his stomach hurt and only seconds after Neil said goodbye to Nicky and Aaron, he’s running towards the toilet.

Nothing comes.

Then everything comes all at once.

He wheezes, cries and throws up everything. 

He screams, cries and breaks a few of their stupid plates.  
His stupid plates.

Finally, he sits down in the middle of the mess, somehow ending up with a picture of Andrew opened on his phone and he quietly cries.

-

When Neil wakes the following day, he quietly cleans up the mess he has made in the kitchen. Allison is returning Sir and King to Neil, and he doesn’t need her to know how incredibly broken he feels. He hasn’t slept in the bedroom that night, instead settling for the couch. He couldn’t face reality yet. If he went into the bedroom, and he’d see the empty bed. It would all be too real.

After Andrew’s quiet passing, Neil spend most of his time at Allison and Renee’s place. Everyone in the house had been quiet, with red eyes and sniffling noses. It hadn’t been real yet. He wasn’t alone yet when he was with them. He had been glad for it then, the distraction of two friends at his side, and he needed the distraction now, too. Maybe even more than he needed it back then.  
So when the doorbell rings, half an hour later, he is quick to open.

MEEOOOOW. King announces his arrival with the loudest meow, demanding for Andrew to come out of his hiding spot and give him all the belly rubs he has missed out on.

Andrew, of course, does not show up.

MEEEOOOOOW? King walks around the apartment, tries to pry open the bedroom door, and when he goes in and finds it empty, comes out to Neil.  
Meow? more quietly now. 

And then Neil breaks.

He falls to his knees and scoops King up in his arms as he cries loudly.  
“Gone.” Is all Neil manages through the loud sobbing that wrecks his entire body.  
Allison, to her credit, says nothing. She just lets Sir into the apartment, immediately takes off towards the empty bedroom.  
King meows a few more times, sad quiet and tiny meows to ask where his owner is, until giving up and releasing himself from Neil’s iron grip. Neil somehow finds it within him to let King go, and he joins sir back on their-  
his bed.

The realisation is almost enough to break Neil down all over again, but instead, he finds a hand on his shoulder. He raises his eyes to meet Allison’s and subsequently gets a glass pushed into his hands. He doesn’t need to look to know it’s something strong. Strong enough to temporarily take the feelings away. He mutters a soft thanks, before drowning his feelings in what he assumes must be whiskey. He doesn’t remember if they-  
if he had any whiskey in the house, but he highly doubts it. Andrew wasn’t allowed to drink, and even though Andrew had stopped listening to that advice the moment he was given a count down, Neil never bought any and Andrew was too weak to leave the house. He did with what they had in the house, which was one bottle of red wine which was empty the next day.

So Allison brought it then. That’s good.

By the end of the night, Neil is so ridiculously drunk, that he finds himself thinking back to that one day. The day where Andrew’s coughs started to get a little more loud, and painful. The day where Andrew dropped by the hospital. And then he’s remembering and oh god, oh god the memories. They all flood over him until Neil is sure, so, so, so, so fucking sure that he’s there. He’s there. He’s there. He’s there. He’s th-

But he isn’t.

-

It was a cold winter day when Andrew and Neil stepped into their car and drove to the doctor’s office. Neil knew Andrew didn’t want him to worry, but he had noticed Andrew’s health progressively worsening. He didn’t want to say anything to Andrew at first, didn’t want Andrew to simply wave it off. But, eventually, it came to a point where neither could ignore the elephant in the room anymore. It wasn’t until Andrew began to rapidly lose weight, and when he began to cough up blood, that the two men decided it was time to go to the hospital. 

Now here they were. Neil was driving, not trusting Andrew to be able to keep an eye on the road. Rightfully so, because the short walk to the car had left Andrew breathless and wheezing, as he clutched his chest in pain. Still, Neil had kept quiet. Not a single word passed between the two as they drove to the doctor. It was unusual, even for them, to let the silence between them drag on for this long. It was the nerves. No matter how many times Andrew had claimed to be alright, that he did not worry at all, Neil knew Andrew too, had googled his symptoms.

Lung cancer  
It wasn’t at all unlikely, not with how Andrew chain-smoked like there was no tomorrow. Only now, maybe for the first time, there really wouldn’t be a tomorrow.

No. Neil refused to believe that there was nothing that could be done. Cancer could be cured. Andrew could be cured. And besides, it wasn’t like Andrew had been diagnosed with cancer, yet. There was nothing for Neil and Andrew to worry about now. For now, it was best for the two to focus on just getting there. 

-

Neil woke to the bright morning sun shining through his bedroom windows. He was alone. Well, not completely alone. He could hear Allison’s loud snoring even with the door closed.

Still, the left side of the bed, the one pushed against the wall, was empty. Neil reached over, grabbed a hold of the pillow, and pressed it against his face. Immediately the overwhelmingly strong scent of Andrew hits him in the face. Neil isn’t sure if he can deal with getting rid of this pillow, or if he could ever get himself to clean it. Cigarette smoke used to remind him of his mother, but now all he could think about was Andrew lighting up a god damn fucking cigarette after the doctor had delivered the news of the test results.

Lung cancer

Fucking cigarettes. They did this to them. They took Andrew away from him, and yet he can’t stop himself as he walks over to the window, throws it open and lights himself a cigarette. The smell of smoke is intense. The absence of the smell in the past few months as Andrew battled a fight against his own body, one that he could never win has been incredibly overwhelming. Who could have guessed, that something as simple as cigarette smoke could be both missed and hated so viciously at the same time? Neil holds the cigarette but doesn’t take a drag. He just holds it, lets it burn to his fingertips before lighting another. And another. And another. Soon he has burned through the entire package, and with a startling shock does he realise that this was Andrew’s. Another thing of Andrew so carelessly lost, that it makes Neil weep once more. He is unable to pick himself up, so instead, he slides down the wall and closes his eyes tightly, almost as if that can somehow bring Andrew back to him. 

And it does, in the form of a vivid memory.

-

“Are you seriously smoking right now?” 

Andrew didn’t respond as Neil walked over to him, he simply lifted his cigarette back to his mouth for another drag. Neil watched him do it, but only for a second or so, then he made a grab for the cigarette. Andrew had the audacity to move it out of Neil’s reach, which only pissed him off more. After about a minute or so of this struggle, Neil got a hold of it and stubbed it out with his shoe.

“You have lung cancer and you’re smoking?!” 

Andrew only nodded, before lighting another cigarette. Neil watched, and then slapped the lighter out of his hand and broke it by stepping on it.

“That was my favourite lighter,” Andrew informed him.

Neil glared, and took the pack of cigarettes from Andrew and threw them in the trash. Andrew luckily let him, understanding the importance of having to get rid of it.

-

He hadn’t noticed Allison walking in until she was sitting next to him and pressed him firmly against her. Neil breaks, he wails and his body shakes. It aches, aches for Andrew, but only Allison responds. It’s supposed to be comforting, her arms wrapped around his shuddering body, but it only makes him feel worse. Allison doesn’t say anything though, no words of comfort, because she knows that right now there aren’t any. She won’t tell Neil that everything is going to be fine, because she knows it won’t be fine. Nothing is fine, and in Neil’s eyes, there is no way things ever will be fine again. For the first time in years, his legs ache to run away again. Run away from the way too big apartment, run away from Neil Josten, from the absence of Andrew.

But he stays. He stays for King and Sir, for his friends, and because he doesn’t really know where else to go to right now anyway. He slowly stands, and Allison releases her grip on him. She watches him stand, before getting up from the floor as well. Neil sees her eyeing the empty cigarette package, and he knows what she’s thinking. Neither of them speak, and Allison lets Neil walk to the kitchen. 

He finds breakfast already there. Two plates of eggs, bacon, and toast. He’s thankful to Allison, really thankful that she made some for him. If it was up to Neil, he probably wouldn’t have eaten anything at all today. He leaves the plates for what they are for now, though, and instead makes his way to the pantry where the cat food is stocked. He grabs their favourite, feeling like the cats deserve something good too after all that happened. Immediately Sir is at his legs, meowing loudly to demand food, but King is nowhere to be seen. Neil quietly pours them their food, and then goes to look for King.

He finds him lying on the couch, on the spot where Andrew always sat. King raises his head but lowers it when he sees it’s just Neil.

“Come on, King. Breakfast is ready,” Neil whispers.

Unsurprisingly, King doesn’t respond. He doesn’t get up, even though Neil can smell the cat food all the way from out here. He doesn’t even look up when Neil places his bowl right next to him on the couch.

“King…” He whispers, gently poking him to get his attention. King doesn’t respond, doesn’t move to eat whatsoever. Neil feels the tears welling up in his eyes, and curses at himself. This is the most he had cried in years, and although he knows that this is normal, he can’t help but to hate himself more and more each time the tears start spilling down his face again. It isn’t until Allison places her hand on his shoulder, that Neil finally tears his gaze away from King.

“Just give King some time. He’s grieving. He’ll eat again tonight,” She promises.

-

But Allison is wrong. King doesn’t eat that night, or the next one, or the one after that. Neil takes King to the vet, where he is told nothing is wrong with King except that he is probably grieving over the loss of his owner. The doctor can’t prescribe anything to make King eat, and so he has to wait and hope he’ll eat again on his own soon.

-

King doesn’t eat on his own again. In 2 weeks he has to bury him. It’s the worst slap to the face after the loss of Andrew.  
Sir doesn’t understand where his best friend went, but understands that Neil is upset. So, Sir has made sure to eat in front of Neil as often as he can, almost as if to say look at me, owner. I’m not going anywhere because I’m eating! Deep down Neil is glad, but he feels as though he has just lost another thing of Andrew. 

Of course, the cats were theirs, but there was no denying that King liked Andrew more than he liked Neil. King always curled up on Andrew’s lap, or demanded to sleep in the bed with him whenever he could. Andrew brought home treats for the cats, but gave most of them to King. Not because he didn’t like Sir, but because Sir didn’t seem to like the treats as much as King did.  
Now King was gone, and with it was another memory of Andrew that Neil had hoped he could keep. 

-

He finally allows himself to run that night. The cold wind is a slap in the face as he throws open the doors to the apartment complex, but it’s a gentle one compared to all the reminders of Andrew’s absence. Neil shakily breathes it all in, his breath forming small clouds of fog that remind him all too much of smoke. Of Andrew. He begins to run, at a slow and comfortable pace, but it isn’t enough. Soon he is sprinting, his feet thudding against the floor as Neil runs. His lungs burn, and soon so do his legs. He still doesn’t stop, the physical pain a comfortable difference compared to the emotional one he’s been feeling ever since he woke up that day. 

-

“Andrew?” 

Neil’s heart dropped. He knew it would happen soon, had been preparing himself for it, but he didn’t think it would have been so soon. Andrew’s decline had been so rapid after the news. the fact that he had pushed through for another two months had been a miracle. With how rapidly Andrew had declined, Neil had given him maybe a week or so. He had been completely bedridden, but he pushed through. He ate, and he tried to talk a lot with Neil even if sometimes just breathing was so painful that it became exhausting. He slept more too, and every time he went to bed, Neil feared he would never wake up again. And so he didn’t move yet. He didn’t go to reach for Andrew yet, because if he didn’t then it wouldn’t be real yet. Andrew was just sleeping. Andrew was asleep, in a deep deep sleep, and that’s why he didn’t respond. Neil would shake him, and he’d feel his warm skin against his hands and Andrew would complain and ask for a few more minutes, and Neil would get up and let him lay there for a while as he made them breakfast. He’d get Andrew’s favourite sugary cereal, and he’d pour him a bowl and he’d feel Andrew’s arms wrapping around his back before he stole the bowl. His blond hair would be back, and it’d be messy from lying in bed for so long. Neil and Andrew would be fine, and the cancer would be gone and they’d go to training and be happy.  
But Neil knew that’s a lie. Even if Andrew was still alive next to him, he wouldn’t have the strength to get out of bed or let alone complain.  
Slowly, he reached to touch the blond. His skin was ice cold, his chest unmoving as his breathing stopped probably hours ago. His lungs had failed him first, his other organs next as the cancer spread. The battle against his own body had been lost, and Neil was alone, with only a corpse next to him for comfort. He didn’t let go of Andrew yet, instead he cuddled up to him. It wasn’t comfort. It was pain. It was a burning and fierce pain that Neil hadn’t felt for a very long time. He buried his face in the fabric of Andrew’s shirt, which felt equally as cold as the rest of Andrew’s limp body, and he let the tears start pouring out. Quiet at first, but then louder and more hysteric than he’s ever cried before. He felt weak about it, but he couldn’t stop the tears from streaming down his cheeks, couldn’t stop his body from shaking as he held onto Andrew. Life is so fucking unfair, and Neil wanted nothing more than to lie there until he died as well. He wanted nothing more than to join Andrew.  
But he didn’t. Instead, he found the strength within himself to get up, but couldn’t stop his hands from shaking as he dialled Wymack’s number.

“Neil?” 

Silence.

“Neil, are you there?” 

“He’s dead, coach. Andrew is dead.”

-

He surprises himself when he is back at the apartment complex around 4 AM. Running felt so good, he hadn’t wanted to return. He wanted to continue running until south Carolina was far far behind him, until he reached a new state and got a new identity. It was the best Neil had felt since-  
With that thought, the good feeling crashes, and now he just feels dirty and cold. He unlocks the door and steps inside. Logically, he already knew that King wouldn’t be there to greet him, but it still feels like a slap to the face to find only Sir waiting for him in the living room. Once again, Neil cannot physically bring himself to sleep in his bed, and takes the couch with Sir instead. Sir is curled up in the middle, so it’s a bit of a challenge for Neil to make himself comfortable without knocking Sir off of the couch, but he doesn’t want to pick him up and disturb him from his sleep either. He knows he should shower, but exhaust tugs at his limbs, making them too heavy to drag his body all the way to the shower. There is always tomorrow, at least for Neil there is. He closes his eyes and thinks of Andrew, thinks of the feeling of running his fingers through his hair, and if he pretends he can almost feel it again. 

-

Andrew’s hair had begun to fall out, and Neil had sat him down in the bathroom to shave it all off. There was only silence between them, which was only disturbed by the sound of the electronic razor coming to life and tearing into Andrew’s blond curls. Neil watched them fall to the floor, and idly hopes that they’d grow back soon enough. Andrew could probably have gotten a wig if he wanted to, but Neil doubted he would. Besides, a wig wouldn’t be the same anyway. Andrew stood when Neil shaved the last piece of hair off, and walked over to the mirror to inspect it. Neil said nothing, not even when he noticed Andrew clutching the sink for support. He knew Andrew was tired, and he knew he needed to rest, but Andrew won’t have any of it.

“Want me to go get us ice cream?” 

Andrew shook his head, and instead gestured towards their bedroom. For a few seconds, Neil thought about what Andrew was asking of him, before realising that Andrew was asking for Neil to take him to the bedroom. Neil nodded, and helped Andrew up. The exhaustion was clear in Andrew’s body, from the way he panted as Neil helped him take slow steps in the direction of the bedroom. It took them way longer than it should have to make it there, and when they did Andrew collapsed onto the bed. Neil was about to leave, when he felt Andrew tugging gently on his arm.

“Yes or no?” Andrew had asked, voice hoarse.

“I told you, it’s always yes with you,” Neil said as he crawled into bed next to Andrew. Andrew was too exhausted to find a response for it, but Neil could see the fake disgust in his eyes either way.

For a while they laid side to side, but then Andrew had shifted. He moved, so that his head was resting on Neil’s chest and snaked one arm around his abdomen. Neil couldn’t fight off the small smile that moved onto his face, and wrapped his own arms around Andrew’s shoulders. It didn’t take long for Andrew to fall asleep afterwards, and Neil knew that if he fell asleep then his arm would be dead in the morning, but he decided that’s worth it if it meant that Andrew felt safe and secure. Cuddling was still rare for them, although they did it more often now then they did back at Palmetto, so Neil knew to treasure those rare moments. Some nights they even spooned, but Neil was always the little spoon. He knew Andrew was working his way up to trusting Neil while he held him at night, like he’s doing now. It’s the exhaustion, and the sadness from losing his hair that made tonight one of the rare moments where Andrew required Neil to hold him. Neil pressed a feather-light kiss to the top of Andrew’s now bald head, and mutters soft words that were lost to Andrew’s sleeping ears as he slowly drifted off himself

-

Neil ends up waking early and taking that shower he should have gotten the night before. He smells terrible, and despite the fact that he had only gotten 4 hours’ worth of sleep he feels as awake as can be. He grabs the first set of clothes he can find and turns the water so hot that by the time he steps out his skin is red. He dries off and tugs on his clothes, and only as he pulls the sweatshirt over his head and he is met with the strong scent of smoke, does he realise that the sweatshirt belongs to Andrew. Neil holds himself with one arm, as he tries to steady himself against the wall with the other. He feels sick to his stomach, the stomach acid working its way up his throat and he rushes to the toilet and throws up. His stomach is already empty, so the only thing that comes up is the uncomfortable burning acid, that leaves him dry heaving and coughing in its absence. With shaking fingers he reaches for his phone, and dials Nicky’s number. He knows he’s still in America with Erik and knows that Erik is a morning person and has without a doubt pulled Nicky out of bed already. He isn’t mistaken, because Nicky answers after the second ring. Deep down he feels hurt, because he knows Nicky is still grieving himself, but he can’t stand being alone and he needs someone that understands him the way the others can’t. 

“Neil?” Nicky’s voice is barely a whisper, a testimony to his own fresh and stinging pain. It makes Neil’s heartache, and his stomach is trying to force something up his throat that isn’t there.

“Nicky… I just… I needed-“ 

Nicky is quick to cut him off, with a soft whispered; “I understand… Dear God, Neil, of course, I understand.” 

“Can you meet me at the coffee shop?” 

“Alone or with Erik?” 

“I-… don’t know.” 

“Alone, then.”

“Alone is fine,” Neil agrees, before hanging up. 

He doesn’t even realise he didn’t give Nicky a time or a specific coffee shop, until Nicky texts him an address with the question if 10 works for him. Neil thinks about it for a while, but then ultimately texts back that 10 is fine, and finally gets himself up from the floor. He flushes the toilet, and takes a few unsteady steps in the direction of the door. He holds onto it for a minute or two, before taking more confident steps into the direction of the kitchen. He’s really out of groceries, but finds some of Andrews's old cereal and some milk that’s only two days past its expiration date and makes himself a bowl. It feels wrong to eat, too sugary and sweet and all other types of crap that Neil doesn’t care one bit for, but it’s also a more gentle reminder of Andrew and one he can tolerate right now. The milk tastes completely fine, and Neil doubts its really gone bad but he pours the remainders down the drain either way. He goes to look for his wallet and keys, and writes a small list of stuff he needs to pick up. After a moments of consideration, he adds Andrew’s favourite cigarette brand to the bottom of the list. He doesn’t truly need it, and it isn’t the same as the pack that Andrew had bought himself, but he doesn’t really care. It’s a reminder of Andrew all the same, and Neil will be damned if he allows himself to forget. 

By the time Neil leaves the apartment, it’s only 9 and even though the coffee shop is a 5-minute walk away from his place, he makes his way over there anyway. He isn’t entirely surprised to find that Nicky is also already there, wearing sweatpants and a sweater that clearly belongs to Erik. It’s a sad mirror to the way Neil is dressed right now, and it makes Neil want to cry or laugh, maybe even both. He pushes the thought away, and instead goes to sit next to Nicky. Nicky is smart enough to not hug him, but does put his hand on the table over to Neil. It’s a silent form of comfort, and Neil takes solace in it as he laces their hands together. For a while, they sit there, not even bothering to get themselves coffee, but only taking comfort in each other’s presence. Eventually, Nicky offers to get them coffee, and Neil watches him walk towards the barista.  
It hadn’t really dawned on him how bad Nicky looked until now, after seeing him so close. Nicky’s hair looked like it hadn’t been brushed in days, and his eyes had bags and were red from crying probably from the phone call from Neil. He doesn’t look any better from a distance either, but Neil feels that he doesn’t look any better than Nicky either. His shower kept him clean, but it did nothing for the sorry state of his body.  
When Nicky returns, Neil gratefully takes the cup of black coffee from him.

“Are you all alone?” Nicky asks, to which Neil responds with a slight nod.

“I can come and keep you company? It’s not good to be so alone with your grief..” 

Neil wants to point out that he was alone throughout the grief he felt when his mother died, or that having Nicky who is still fresh in his own grieving process with him won’t do him any good, but when he catches a sight of Nicky’s hopeful look he can’t do anything else but simply nod. Nicky needs Neil to need him. Nicky needs someone to take care of, and probably can’t take it that Erik is taking care of him right now. 

“Maybe, a few days couldn’t hurt I guess…” Neil says softly.

“Thank you,” Nicky whispers, and that’s enough to confirm Neil’s suspicion that yeah, Nicky needs him. “I really appreciate all that Erik is doing for me, of course, I do but… Well, he just doesn’t understand. It’s no secret that he wasn’t.. fond of the twins,” Nicky’s voice catches when he says twins because that’s over now. It’s only Aaron. “He didn’t understand it… He didn’t understand why I stayed, even when Aaron was still homophobic, or when Andrew threatened me with knives… He still doesn’t understand, and I can tell he doesn’t understand my grief either…” 

Neil nods quietly. Erik didn’t hate the twins, but he didn’t like them either. He was too protective of Nicky to like them, but at the same time, his love for Nicky kept him from hating them. Andrew was fully aware of this, but wasn’t really bothered by it.

“I don’t… I think, that over the past few years Erik, Andrew, and Aaron build up some sort of mutual agreement..? I think Erik understands now that the two of them had the best interest for you in mind as well, even if in his eyes the way they took care of things wasn’t always ideal..?” 

Nicky lets out a soft laugh at that, and nods. A little bit of the sparkle returns to his eyes, and even if it’s only for a brief amount of time it makes Neil feel good too. There is hope, at least for Nicky there is. Nicky will learn to live, and maybe Neil will be able to learn with Nicky’s help.

“I’m glad I called you, Nicky,” Neil says, as truthful and vulnerable as he allows himself to be right now with him.

“Me too… I don’t want to call Aaron, he’s taking it just as bad as you are… Katelyn told me he smashed all the mirrors at their place… Aaron and Andrew… they were finally starting to be better with each other… And then suddenly Andrew was gone, and Aaron can pretend to be fine all he wants but Katelyn texts me regularly, you know? She says… She says that Aaron blames himself for not visiting more before he died…”

Neil is quiet for a long time as he processes that. Aaron had visited a lot in the time that Andrew got sick, or at least he remembers him coming over a lot. Whenever Aaron was there, Neil would leave to give them privacy. Aaron always left with red eyes, and sometimes when Neil came back Andrew would look the same. Andrew never said he thought Aaron didn’t visit enough, and although he never said it, Neil could tell the visits lifted his spirits even if sometimes only slightly. The day they heard that Andrew’s cancer was terminal, and that the treatment would only be to make his quality of life more comfortable, and not to prolong it, Aaron was the first to hear. He was the first who stood at their door, and he didn’t leave for a good week until his job needed him to come back. Neil had remembered hearing Aaron arguing on the phone, had heard him yelling at his boss that his brother was dying. There had been a long silence afterwards, and then Aaron’s broken voice apologised and said he would catch the first plane he could. Neil hadn’t said anything about it to Aaron, and when he wanted to bring it up with Andrew the look on his face said enough. Andrew had heard it too.

“I don’t think Andrew was upset about that. Aaron visited a lot, especially for someone who lives two states away. I think Andrew took a lot of silent comfort in Aaron’s presence…. and perhaps so did I,” Neil said, before starting to sob.

Nicky was quick to join, the two men finally hugging each other tightly as they let the sobs spill out. Nicky’s whole body shook with the unrestrained effort to cry, and Neil’s body mirrored his completely. Nicky muttered words that might have been comfort, or apologies or maybe both but Neil barely registered it. It felt good to finally let it all out, to finally cry and finally grief.

It takes the two of them a little while to calm down, and even when they do Nicky doesn’t let go of Neil yet. Neil doesn’t want him to anyway. There is solace in Nicky’s embrace. There is an understanding there he can’t find in the other foxes, except for maybe Aaron but it’s too tough to reach out to him right now. Seeing Aaron is seeing Andrew, and Neil isn’t ready for that yet. Nicky is all he has right now, and in a way, Neil is all Nicky has too.

“It’s really hard, not having him around… I know I barely saw him, because I live in Germany but…. But he was still there, even when neither of us were actually close. Andrew and I… We texted, and we called and skyped and… and now all of that is gone and I-“ Nicky chokes back a sob, but tears still escape from the corners of his eyes. “- I just really miss him…” 

Neil nods. He can’t say anything, can’t even bring himself to open his mouth to say anything. Nicky understands, and gently grabs a hold of Neil’s hand and gives a firm squeeze. 

“There,” he says, but Neil doesn’t really understand why. He grabs his coffee with his other hand, which has gone cold by now, and drinks it all at once. The bitterness of it all makes Neil feel more present in the now, but still he can’t help but to think about one of Aaron’s visits

-

Aaron had looked tired when Neil opened the door to the apartment, a stark contrast to his brother’s bone deep exhaustion. Neil said nothing, but pointed at the bedroom where Andrew was sleeping. Aaron nodded, and made his way to the guest room to drop his stuff. He had packed enough to stay for about a month or so it seemed. Both knew he wouldn’t, that he just couldn’t. Andrew was too tired to have guests over, even if it was Aaron, and Aaron’s work would call him back within a week or two. They had been very understanding, but Aaron had used up his sick days and vacation days 2 visits ago.  
Neil moved to the fridge to see if they had anything that could make a proper dinner, while still making something that was easy to eat for Andrew. He found some soup cans in the pantry, and figured that, as long as he helped Andrew hold the bowl, it would be possible. He was about to turn around and call for Aaron, when he felt him standing right behind him.

“Tomato. It’s his favourite,” Aaron whispered, sounding tired and scared. Neil didn’t point it out to him, but nodded and worked on making the soup.

When he finished, Aaron grabbed the bowl for Andrew and disappeared into their bedroom to help him eat. Neil knew better than to interrupt them when they were alone like this, even when the conversation stretched on to past 10. Neil just moved onto the couch, with a spare blanket they kept around in case more than one person visited and closed his eyes. He was about to drift off, when he heard the bedroom door open and Aaron hurriedly leaving. He heard him step into the living room, and stopping in front of Neil.

“Neil…?” Aaron whispered, but Neil pretended to be asleep. He didn’t want Aaron to apologise, or ask him if he needed company. He thought that if he pretended to sleep, that Aaron would go to the guestroom instead.

But he didn’t. Aaron broke down into loud sobbing, and he shook Neil awake. He sat up immediately because he was never asleep anyway, and for a few seconds the two men just stared at each other, and then, very slowly and unsteadily, Aaron had hugged Neil. It felt weird to hold Aaron and to comfort him, but Neil also understood that Aaron wouldn’t do it unless absolutely necessary. And so he held Aaron, let him weep into his shoulder and cling to the back of his shirt as he almost collapsed into Neil but not quite. He felt tears burning behind his own eyes, but blinked them away furiously. It took Aaron a little while before he calmed again and when he did, he immediately let go of Neil.

“How do you do it…? Seeing him like that on the daily… I- it hurts way too much,” Aaron mumbled

“I stay strong for him, I have to… But it hurts me every day to see him that way,” Neil admitted.

Aaron nodded, and then slowly stood up properly. “If you tell anyone about this, I’ll kill you,” he said, before leaving

Neil was relieved, because an angry Aaron he knew how to deal with.

-

Nicky and Neil left the coffee shop. They hadn’t paid for the coffee, because the barista insisted they didn’t have to. She seemed to pity them for their little breakdown, and it annoyed Neil. Neil had made sure they get some groceries before going back to his place, because he had nothing edible left in the house. 

“I had cereal with milk that was two days past its expiration date,” Neil admits, which made Nicky laugh.

It felt good to hear Nicky laugh, it almost made it feel like things were normal again. Maybe Neil could learn to live again with the help of the other foxes, because right now he feels better than he felt since the cremation. The two wandered into the grocery store and began to pick up items that were on Neil’s list, and some items that weren’t but that Nicky insisted a normal human being couldn’t live without. Neil felt he could live without the ridiculous amount of spices Nicky was piling into their basket, but he let Nicky do as he pleased either way. Neil contemplates not picking up the cigarettes, and when Nicky catches him staring at them he is dragged away. Nicky pulls him into the ice cream aisle instead, and grabs a bunch of big tubs of Andrew’s favourite.

“Happy memories,” Nicky whispers, before gently pressing a tub into Neil’s hands. And Neil agrees, and smiles fondly as he holds the ice cream that Andrew craved a few times too many at 3 AM. Neil feels himself smile, and yeah, he’s going to be okay he thinks to himself as he heads to the checkout.  
When they leave the store together, someone approaches them.

“Hello, my name is Curt Davidson, I'm a reporter for the guardian. Can I ask you a few questions?” 

Neil is about to tell him that he has no time for that, but Curt just talks right through him and brings out a little recording device.

“Splendid! So, it’s been a week since Andrew Minyard’s cremation, and rumor has it-“ 

Neil doesn’t hear the rest. He feels like he is about to be ill, and tightly clings to Nicky to avoid collapsing on the spot. Curt is silent, waiting for a response but seems to realise  
Neil isn’t about to give him one. He opens his mouth to speak, probably ask another inconsiderate question, but Nicky gives him a hard shove.

“How dare you! You inconsiderate fucker! He just lost someone dear to him! Do you always ask people such inconsiderate questions a week after they bury their family?!” Nicky is yelling, and the reporter has the decency to look ashamed. He mutters an apology, and quickly slinks away.

Neil regrets not buying those cigarettes.

-

Nicky ends up swearing profoundly the whole way home, but Neil barely registers it as he moves towards the shower. Forget the fact he showered in the morning, he feels like he needs another one. He ends up sitting there under the hot water for an hour or two, before Nicky knocks on the door to ask if he has any preference for dinner. When Neil says he doesn’t, Nicky leaves again to cook. Neil gets out of the shower 10 minutes later, and when he leaves the room is met with the strong scent of dinner cooking. When Nicky gives him a plate another half hour later, Neil understands why Nicky bought so many spices. They both get a tub of ice cream and sit together on the couch. It’s quiet between them, the silence only interrupted by some random show Nicky put on, but Neil’s okay with that. What happened at the store had upset them both, and Neil can see Nicky trying to smile, but sees how it fails to reach his eyes.

“You don’t have to pretend for me, Nicky,” Neil finally says.

“Pretend?” 

“The smiling. We are both grieving, you don’t have to hide it from me.” 

Instantly Nicky’s smile drops, and he nods quietly. Neil shouldn’t feel better, but he does. 

They go to bed early that night, and Nicky catches the way Neil hesitates in front of his own bedroom door. Nicky sighs, and softly tugs him in the direction of the guest room. Neil feels relieved, and lays down next to Nicky in the bed.

“Reminds me of your first time in Colombia,” Nicky jokes.

“Screw you,” Neil replied, but there is no heat behind it and soon the two of them drift off to sleep.

-

It turns out that seasoning and spices are very critical elements for cooking proper dinner, and Nicky had scolded Neil for only having salt and pepper.

“I’ve got flour too,” Neil says in defence.

“Boy… I-.. no,” Nicky lets out a very tired sigh. “Flour is… Flour’s a grain…” 

“But you use it for chicken?” 

“I’m going to kill you.”

Neil decides it’s best not to say anything else about flour and watches as Nicky makes a simple soup for lunch that day. It’s a lentil soup, and it’s so thick Neil isn’t sure if it should count as soup, but when he dunks toast into it he takes it all back. It’s pretty good, and it seems to make Nicky happy when he asked him to write the recipe down for him. 

“Did Andrew do most of the cooking?” Nicky asks him later, while they wash the dishes from lunch. 

“Yeah, pretty much. He was a better cook than he let on, said he learned it all from you. On the days he didn’t want to cook we got simple take out, and when… when he got to the last stage we just ate whatever was easiest. It was mostly cans of soup, or yoghurt with jam through it, you know? Didn’t require much chewing, and it was easy to swallow.” 

Nicky nods, and Neil catches the way his hands tremble while he washes a spoon. 

Neither of them say another word during the dishes, and afterwards, Nicky goes to the guest room to call with Erik. By the time he comes out a few hours later, his eyes are red and puffy from crying but he manages a smile in Neil’s direction.

“Erik wants to come over and make us dinner, if that’s okay.”

Neil considers it for a while, and ultimately decides that he would rather be alone with Nicky tonight. Nicky nods in understanding, and texts Erik back that tonight won't work. 

-

It’s 3 days later, and Neil decides it’s time to take Erik up on his offer for dinner. He feels bad about letting Nicky do all the cooking and cleaning. No matter how much he protests, Nicky will steal the brooms out of Neil’s hand and clean up for him. Nicky hates sitting still, but it’s putting Neil on edge and he feels like he could use some middle ground.

So, when Erik steps into the apartment he is glad to see some of the jittery business leave Nicky’s composure. He calms down at the sight of his husband, and immediately throws himself into his arms. Erik smiles fondly as he runs his hand through Nicky’s hair, and gives Neil a nod in lieu of a greeting. 

“Erik?” Neil asks

“Yes?” 

“Can we talk in the kitchen?” 

Erik seems surprised, but gestures for Neil to lead the way. They have an open floor plan, so the kitchen is directly connected to the living room and it doesn’t give them as much privacy as Neil would like, but Nicky loudly exclaims he should clean the guest room and is out of the way before Neil even reaches the island in the middle.

“Andrew…” Neil starts. “He tolerated you. I think, if he were still alive, he would have tried to grow… some form of a bond between you two? Not a friendship, per se but...  
Something. There could have been something.” 

Erik seems taken back by this, but slowly nods. “I wish we could have had that chance… I know Nicky thinks I hate the twins but… It’s hard... I saw how Nicky was after his parents did- after they send him to.. to that place... I didn’t want him to get hurt. I took it too far, I’m afraid. I was blinded by my desire to protect him against all harm that I didn’t see the harm I caused him…. So thank you, it means a lot.” Erik gently hugs Neil, but only for a brief moment and then he lets go again. There is a tear trailing down his cheek, and Neil leaves him alone in the kitchen. It is the best form of privacy he has to offer. 

-

Dinner that night was amazing, some traditional German dish, spätzles, he said it was called. Nicky’s eyes sparkled again that night, as Neil asked for the recipe. After doing the dishes with the three of them, they get onto the couch and watch some action movie Erik brought with him. It’s pretty old and dumb, but they all enjoy it anyway. Neil lets Erik stay the night, and briefly considers sleeping in the bedroom but ultimately decides against it. The night was good, and Neil is afraid to lose it if he sleeps in their- his bedroom tonight. Instead, he curls up on the couch, and falls asleep with Sir on his chest.

-

It’s been a few days with Nicky at his place, and occasionally Erik will drop by to keep the two of them company. It’s starting to become a comforting routine to Neil, and he doesn’t mind the company as much as he thought he would. His apartment doesn’t feel too big anymore, and Nicky seems to improve as well. He’s starting to look his best again, wearing stylish outfits that scream Nicky instead of the sweatpants and sweaters he wore before. It’s one of those good days, until Nicky emerges out of the shower with a bottle of shampoo that once belonged to Andrew.

“Maybe you should box Andrew’s old stuff, and get rid of some of it? I mean… Do you really need to keep his shampoo?” 

Neil stares at him for a long time. Did he really just-

“Did you- Get rid of his stuff?!?” Neil can’t keep the unsteady tremble out of his voice. 

Nicky flinches. “Neil, that’s not what I-“

“Fuck you,” Neil whispers, and before he knows it he’s running. He’s sprinting out of the apartment, he can hear Nicky calling after him, running after him.  
He doesn’t stop. He throws open the doors to the outside world, and sprints down the busy sidewalk. It’s freezing outside, and Neil doesn’t have a coat, so instead, he runs faster to warm himself up. He’s sure he’s lost Nicky, but he doesn’t stop. He runs until he’s out of the busy parts of town, and there he catches a cab. He has him drive him to the nearby forest, pays, and then he’s running again. His legs are restless, and his heart beats wildly in his chest. He can’t stop. He won’t stop. His legs begin to burn, crying out to him to give it a rest but he pushes through, pushes harder even. The ache becomes worse, and Neil realises he’s just blindly running now. It doesn’t matter, as long as he follows the trail it all doesn’t matter. He has to clear his mind, has to keep it all at bay or he’ll break down and collapse.

Throw his stuff away. How could Nicky even suggest such a thing? But at the same time, is he maybe right? Every time he finds something of Andrew, it feels like Neil is grieving all over again, and besides he also said to box some stuff. He could move it to the storage space they’ve got in the basement of the apartment complex. If they store it there, maybe he’ll be able to fully grief and get it out of his system. He can always move the stuff back when he feels like he’s ready to face the idea of Andrew again? Maybe Nicky isn’t wrong. Maybe moving his stuff is just what Neil needs. 

He begins to slow down, his legs are numb now, and he realises his steps are unsteady now. He tries to slow it down to a walking tempo, but instead he trips over a root and lands face first in the dirt. He doesn’t move for a while, and finally rolls on his back. A dark sky is staring back at him, with clouds hanging low with the threat of an upcoming storm. He should move. He should run back to his apartment, or just get a cab or something, but he can’t. Instead he waits for the sky to break loose, and lays there as the rain pours down heavily on top of him. The cold is uncomfortable against his skin, as it quickly rains through the thin fabric of his shirt. It settles into his muscles and bones, but does nothing to soothe the ache of his burning muscles. It only seems to make it worse. He skipped cool down, and he knows he’ll feel the ache in the morning.  
It isn’t until thunder rattles the ground, that Neil finally gets up and starts to run back. His legs try to protest, but Neil ignores it. I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. fine. fine. fine.

He’s home. It was a short cab ride, and when he arrives at his front door he finds Nicky sitting on his front steps. 

“The uh… the door shut behind me when I tried to chase you, and I have no key,” he says sheepishly

“Sorry.” 

“You okay?” 

“Fine,” Neil says, and neither say anything about the obvious lie.

Neil lets them in, and Nicky starts on dinner while Neil takes a shower. He grabs Andrew’s old shampoo, and wonders why they didn’t throw it away after he shaved Andrew’s hair off. He squeezed the content of the bottle into his hands, until it’s completely empty and then holds his hand under the shower stream. He watches it all wash away, and then throws the bottle away before starting on washing himself. By the time he comes out of the shower, Nicky’s finished cooking and there is a plate of dinner waiting for him on the dining table. The two of them eat in a semi-uncomfortable silence, but Neil is content with waiting it out. He knows Nicky is right, but he can’t quite bring himself to say so just yet. After dinner they do the dishes in the same silence, and fnally Nicky can’t take it anymore.

“I’m sorry about what I said earlier, I was just trying to help..” 

“And you did,” Neil says. “Help, I mean. You helped. You were right.” 

“Oh… When do you want to start cleaning?” 

Neil shrugs, he’ll have to think about it. “I’ll do it with someone else, yeah? You can go back to Erik. I appreciate all you’ve done for me so far, but I.. don’t think I should keep you here any longer.” 

Nicky quietly nods, and hugs Neil carefully. Neil accepts the hug, but doesn’t hug Nicky back. It’s okay like this he thinks, as the two of them finish cleaning. 

That night, Neil sleeps in his bedroom again.

-

Two days later Neil drives Nicky and Erik to the airport, and promises the two of them he’ll call them as often as he can. 

“Just because I’m in Germany, it doesn’t mean I’m gone. You can call me whenever, don’t even think about the time, okay?” 

Neil nods and hugs Nicky tightly. Eventually Erik has to remind them that they’re going to miss the plane if they don’t let go of each other, and then Neil is alone again. It’s still disorienting, to be alone again after being together with someone for so long. He misses Andrew at his side, but not as much as he used to. He feels more okay than he did before Nicky came over, and he is thankful for Nicky’s help. On the drive home he turns off the radio, and allows the thoughts to fill the silence on the way home. His mind doesn’t scream as loudly as it used to, and he feels more clear. The idea of packing Andrew’s stuff has been sitting in the corner of his thoughts, but during the drive home he thinks about it more and more. Maybe he should ask Kevin to come and help? Kevin and Andrew were best friends, even if neither would say so out loud. He briefly considers calling Aaron as well, but then he remembers Nicky telling him about how he was holding up. Aaron’s grief was still too raw, but he was going to give him a heads up either way. When he reaches home, he sits on the couch with Sir before taking his phone and texting Aaron.

Neil: I’m going to clean up the apartment today and clean up Andrew’s stuff. Is there anything you’d want to keep?

Aaron reads the text immediately, but it takes him a few moments before he replies.

Aaron: I can’t think of anything off the top of my head. Are you going to throw stuff out?

Neil: Only stuff like old shampoo bottles, his razor, stuff like that. 

Aaron: Alright. 

Aaron: If he still has it, can I keep his windbreaker?

Neil: Of course. I’ll see if I can find it.

Aaron: Thanks. 

He decides to put off on calling Kevin for the following day, and instead goes to make himself dinner. He’s pretty sure Andrew kept his windbreaker somewhere in the house. He doesn’t mind giving it to Aaron, because he’s fine with getting to keep his jersey and varsity jacket. He wonders if he should ask Nicky if he wants to keep something, but ultimately decides against it. He makes himself one of the soup recipe’s Nicky left him in a little recipe book, and gives Sir some of the special wet food they kept around. It’s almost empty, and Sir deserves something special after these hectic weeks. He turns on the TV and switches channels until he comes across a Friends episode, and leaves it on in the background as he shops for a new bed on his phone. He doesn’t want to lay in the bed where Andrew died, not now and not ever. He knows that eventually it’ll become easier, but he doesn’t want to wait for that. It takes a while but finally he finds a bed that he thinks will do, and orders it along with new bedsheets and pillows. He pays for the express shipping so it’ll arrive the following day. After finishing his soup, he puts the dishes away to clean the following day and heads to the guest room to sleep.

-

The following day Neil spends a good few hours cursing at his new bed. Taking the old one apart was easy, but putting everything together is a long mess. He realises he misses a lot of tools, such as a screw tool. He has to screw a good 50 screws into the bed by hand. When he gets to the 12th, he gives up and hammers the screws in instead. He gives the bedframe a good shake when he’s done, and when he determines it wont come loose he puts the mattress on it. The bed is an in-between size, since he won’t be sharing it anyway. He lays down on his new bed, and lets out a shaky sigh.

“Okay.. Just one less thing.” He fishes out his phone, and calls Kevin. 

“Hey, Neil,” Kevin answers the phone immediately. He sounds calm, and it makes Neil wonder if Thea is there with him.

“Hey. Can I ask you for a favour?” 

“Of course.” 

“I want to clean up the apartment… So, I was wondering if you wanted to help me pack Andrew’s stuff up.” 

“You’re throwing Andrew’s stuff away?” Kevin’s shock is audible, and he sounds a bit offended. They really were close friends, Neil thinks to himself.

“No. I’m just.. I want to pack his things up and store them somewhere. I can’t stand looking at all of his stuff right now. I’m only going to throw things away like his old shampoo, stuff like that. You want to help? If you want to keep some things that’s okay too.” 

Kevin is silent on the other line for a while, and Neil thinks he hears Thea asking him if he’s okay. Kevin hums before letting out a shaky breath. “Okay. Yeah. Yeah, I’ll come and help. Tomorrow okay for you?” 

“Tomorrow works just fine. Thanks, Kevin.” 

Kevin hangs up after that, and Neil doesn’t really blame him. He ends up texting Nicky to ask if there is anything of Andrew he would like to keep, and Nicky ends up telling him he would like to have some of the pictures Andrew kept around. Neil promises him he’ll take a look, and if he can he’ll make copies of the pictures he himself would want to keep as well. He doesn’t ask the rest of the team if they want anything from him, because that feels too much like getting rid of Andrew’s things. That night he falls into a restless sleep, as he dreams about Andrew and their new bed. He wakes up at 5 AM and ends up just going for a run. It helps clear his mind, and by the time he makes it back Kevin is waiting for him at the front door.

“Morning,” Kevin greets. Neither say anything about how it’s only 6:30, and how they were supposed to meet at 11. “You had breakfast, yet?” 

“No. You?” 

“No.” 

Neil hums, and goes to the kitchen to make them some toast. 

They sit down together to eat and with Kevin so close, Neil can smell the faint smell of alcohol on Kevin’s breath. Kevin has been sober for years, but the loss of Andrew apparently changed that. They don’t talk at all, but Kevin keeps glancing at the remains of their old bed and Neil realises Kevin had helped Andrew put it together.

“It’s just-“ 

“I get it,” Kevin whispers, his voice barely audible. Neil swallows some of his toast and looks away to Sir. Maybe inviting Kevin was a bad idea after all. Maybe Kevin wasn’t ready for the confrontation like Neil thought he’d be. He is about to turn to Kevin and tell him he doesn’t have to do this, when Kevin stands up and grabs a box and starts folding it out. Neil quietly watches, until Kevin turns to frown at him. Then he stands, and helps him unfold the boxes. 

“Let’s start in the living room,” Kevin says, and so they do. They work in silence, until Kevin finds a small speaker and puts on some music. Neil vaguely recognises it as work out music, and he can’t suppress the small smile that forms on his face. They don’t talk, only to ask if Neil wants to keep certain things they find. Neil ends up throwing more stuff away than he had anticipated, and by the time they are done with the living room they have filled up a few trash bags. Most of the stuff they throw away is just old trash, but it still feels weird. Kevin gently grabs Neil’s hand and drags him towards the bedroom before he can start regretting it.

“Stay here. I’ll throw those bags away.” 

With that Kevin leaves. Neil can hear him moving around the living room, and when the door shuts behind him Neil panics slightly. All that stuff is gone now. He’s going to throw it into the big underground trashcan and Neil will never be able to take it back. He takes a few steading breaths, and tries to remind himself that what they threw away were only magazines. It’s nothing personal from Andrew. Kevin didn’t get rid of anything without asking Neil first. It’s fine. Everything is fine, Neil thinks. For the first time since the funeral, Neil means it. It takes a while before Kevin comes back, and his eyes are slightly red. Neil doesn’t mention it, but instead directs Kevin to his part of the room that he should clean. They work in silence again, until Neil opens Andrew’s sock drawer and pulls out a small box that definitely doesn’t belong there. Slowly he opens it, and inside he finds a simple silver ring. There is a date engraved in the inside, and Neil recognises it as the date where Andrew finally admitted that ‘this thing’ that was going on between them might have been a relationship. Neil stands completely still with the ring box in his hand, and his mind slowly begins to process what this is. What this means.

“Andrew was going to propose to me,” He whispers. 

Behind him Kevin drops whatever it is he’d been holding to the floor with a loud thump. Neil hears him walk over to him. Kevin turns Neil so they’re facing each other, but Kevin’s eyes are on the simple silver ring. There is no surprise evident on his face, only a mix of sadness and guilt. Kevin knew. Kevin already knew.

“You knew,” He says, and it’s not a question but Kevin answers it anyway with a soft “Yeah.” 

“How long?” Neil asks 

“Months. Before his diagnose even… He wanted to wait until-“ Kevin’s voice falters as he tries to hold back a sob. “Until he was better,” He finishes. Tears fill Kevin’s eyes, and rage fills Neil’s head.

“Get out,” He says.

“Neil, please. I didn’t-“ 

“Out. Now.” 

Kevin doesn’t try again, and leaves quietly. When the front door closes, Neil let’s out a loud scream.

Neil sinks to his knees and screams again. It’s unfair. It’s so unfair, he thinks as tears start streaming down his face. When he finally gets up he can’t stop himself, and before he knows it he’s trashing the room. He’s going through Andrew’s stuff, and throws it all across the room, he’s screaming and crying, and when he finally sinks back onto the bed, he let’s out a shaky and heavy sigh. He presses his face into the pillow Andrew used to sleep on, but when he is met with the scent of a brand new pillow, instead of that of smoke and shampoo, he realises he’s thrown that pillow away. His sobs grow heavier, as he desperately tries to muffle them with the pillow.

“You promised,” He whispers, his voice shaky and muffled. “You promised me you’d stay… So, where are you? Why aren’t you here when I need you!?” He screams. He’s met with silence, of course. Andrew is dead. Cremated. Burned out. His body lost the fight ages ago, but Andrew had stubbornly pushed on even when both of them knew there was never going to be a future. Andrew kept the ring, but Neil wonders if it hurt as much for Andrew to see it as it does right now for Neil. He wonders if Andrew knew he was going to die that night. Maybe that’s why he insisted Neil held him close that night, because deep down he knew it would be the last time Neil would ever hold him. He regrets letting go of him. He had let go to get more comfortable, and Andrew hadn’t tried again. Did he die before he fell asleep? Had he felt lonely without Neil? Had he felt upset that he had let go? It hurts to think about it. 

So he forces himself to fall asleep instead. He’ll think about it all in the morning when his head isn’t killing him anymore.

When he wakes the following morning he sends Kevin a text to ask if he can help him again later that day with the clean up of the apartment. He adds that he would prefer it if they could do it in the afternoon because he has somewhere to be this morning. Kevin responds with an “Of course.” 

Neil makes himself a simple breakfast, and after brushing his teeth and freshening up he takes the ring box and leaves the apartment. He gets a cab, and soon he’s driving towards the forest. He asks the driver to wait on him and keep the meter running, and then he disappears into the forest. He lets his feet guide him to the all too familiar picnic spot. It’s near a big lake, and if he closes his eyes he can imagine Andrew beside him.

“What are you doing here, junkie,” He’d ask.

Neil decides to humour himself, and keeps his eyes closed as he answers imaginary Andrew. “I can’t keep it, ‘Drew.” 

“The ring?” 

“The ring.”

“Why not? I thought you’d like it.” 

“I do. That’s not the problem.” 

“Then what is?”  
Neil smiles, and he feels tears burning behind his closed eyelids, begging to be let out and wet his cheeks. “Well, I can’t have it now can I? You’re gone, Andrew. If I keep this ring, it will always be a painful reminder of what I can never have. So, I’m giving it back to you. I spread your ashes here, so why not put the ring here? Don’t get me wrong, I would have kept it if I could. I just can’t keep it. I couldn’t keep you.”  
When Neil opens his eyes, Andrew isn’t there. Neil doesn’t know why he expected him to be there. He takes the ring out of the box, and throws it in the lake. It sinks immediately, and it feels a lot like letting go of Andrew. He couldn’t keep the ring, just like he could never keep Andrew. Somehow, Neil thinks he’ll learn to live with this eventually. He allows himself to cry for a little while, but then he returns to the cab and asks him to bring him home. It’s not their home anymore, but Neil thinks he’ll learn how to make it his home again with time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoo! That was one hell of a ride to write! It took me like a month with how busy I was.  
Anyway, if this whole thing ends well I might write a fanfic from Andrew's perspective?  
If you liked this consider commenting or leaving a kudo, because it makes me happy! And if this made you cry, consider sharing it with a friend so they can cry too? It's better to cry together (and don't worry, I cried too lol)  
And maybe yell at me on tumblr for hurting you guys by clicking [ this link](https://eloquent-apollo.tumblr.com)  
Also there is an alternative ending to this story. If enough people want to read it I might upload it onto my tumblr


	2. Alternative ending

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You asked and I delivered! Here it is, the alternative ending to my fanfic! The first part of the ending is mostly the same with Kevin coming in to help, and the real difference starts when they found the ring. I just didn't want to only include the different part from after they found the ring. I figured I'd post the entire ending (so with before the ring) to make it read more comfortable idk? So yeah if you read this and think "Huh? This is the same?" that's why. Anyway in my personal opinion this ending hurts more but who knows? Read for yourself and let me know ;)

Neil wakes up at 5 AM and ends up just going for a run. It helps clear his mind, and by the time he makes it back Kevin is waiting for him at the front door.

“Morning,” Kevin greets. Neither say anything about how it’s only 6:30, and how they were supposed to meet at 11. “You had breakfast, yet?” 

“No. You?” 

“No.” 

Neil hums, and goes to the kitchen to make them some toast. 

They sit down together to eat and with Kevin so close, Neil can smell the faint smell of alcohol on Kevin’s breath. Kevin has been sober for years, but the loss of Andrew apparently changed that. They don’t talk at all, but Kevin keeps glancing at the remains of their old bed and Neil realises Kevin had helped Andrew put it together.

“It’s just-“ 

“I get it,” Kevin whispers, his voice barely audible. Neil swallows some of his toast and looks away to Sir. Maybe inviting Kevin was a bad idea after all. Maybe Kevin wasn’t ready for the confrontation like Neil thought he’d be. He is about to turn to Kevin and tell him he doesn’t have to do this, when Kevin stands up and grabs a box and starts folding it out. Neil quietly watches, until Kevin turns to frown at him. Then he stands, and helps him unfold the boxes. 

“Let’s start in the living room,” Kevin says, and so they do. They work in silence, until Kevin finds a small speaker and puts on some music. Neil vaguely recognises it as work out music, and he can’t suppress the small smile that forms on his face. They don’t talk, only to ask if Neil wants to keep certain things they find. Neil ends up throwing more stuff away than he had anticipated, and by the time they are done with the living room they have filled up a few trash bags. Most of the stuff they throw away is just old trash, but it still feels weird. Kevin gently grabs Neil’s hand and drags him towards the bedroom before he can start regretting it.

“Stay here. I’ll throw those bags away.” 

With that Kevin leaves. Neil can hear him moving around the living room, and when the door shuts behind him Neil panics slightly. All that stuff is gone now. He’s going to throw it into the big underground trashcan and Neil will never be able to take it back. He takes a few steading breaths, and tries to remind himself that what they threw away were only magazines. It’s nothing personal from Andrew. Kevin didn’t get rid of anything without asking Neil first. It’s fine. Everything is fine, Neil thinks. For the first time since the funeral, Neil means it. It takes a while before Kevin comes back, and his eyes are slightly red. Neil doesn’t mention it, but instead directs Kevin to his part of the room that he should clean. They work in silence again, until Neil opens Andrew’s sock drawer and pulls out a small box that definitely doesn’t belong there. Slowly he opens it, and inside he finds a simple silver ring. There is a date engraved in the inside, and Neil recognises it as the date where Andrew finally admitted that ‘this thing’ that was going on between them might have been a relationship. Neil stands completely still with the ring box in his hand, and his mind slowly begins to process what this is. What this means.

“Andrew was going to propose to me,” He whispers. 

Behind him Kevin drops whatever it is he’d been holding to the floor with a loud thump. Neil hears him walk over to him. Kevin turns Neil so they’re facing each other, but Kevin’s eyes are on the simple silver ring. There is no surprise evident on his face, only a mix of sadness and guilt. Kevin knew. Kevin already knew.

“You knew,” He says, and it’s not a question but Kevin answers it anyway with a soft “Yeah.” 

“How long?” Neil asks 

“Months. Before his diagnose even… He wanted to wait until-“ Kevin’s voice falters as he tries to hold back a sob. “Until he was better,” He finishes. Tears fill Kevin’s eyes, and rage fills Neil’s head.

“Get out,” He says.

“Neil, please. I didn’t-“ 

“Out. Now.” 

Kevin doesn’t try again, and leaves quietly. When the front door closes, Neil let’s out a loud scream.

Neil sinks to his knees and screams again. It’s unfair. It’s so unfair, he thinks as tears start streaming down his face. When he finally gets up he can’t stop himself, and before he knows it he’s trashing the room. He’s going through Andrew’s stuff, and throws it all across the room, he’s screaming and crying, and when he finally sinks back onto the bed, he let’s out a shaky and heavy sigh. He presses his face into the pillow Andrew used to sleep on, but when he is met with the scent of a brand new pillow, instead of that of smoke and shampoo, he realises he’s thrown that pillow away. His sobs grow heavier, as he desperately tries to muffle them with the pillow.  
“You promised,” He whispers, his voice shaky and muffled. “You promised me you’d stay… So, where are you? Why aren’t you here when I need you!?” He screams. He’s met with silence, of course. Andrew is dead. Cremated. Burned out. His body lost the fight ages ago, but Andrew had stubbornly pushed on even when both of them knew there was never going to be a future. Andrew kept the ring, but Neil wonders if it hurt as much for Andrew to see it as it does right now for Neil. He wonders if Andrew knew he was going to die that night. Maybe that’s why he insisted Neil held him close that night, because deep down he knew it would be the last time Neil would ever hold him. He regrets letting go of him. He had let go to get more comfortable, and Andrew hadn’t tried again. Did he die before he fell asleep? Had he felt lonely without Neil? Had he felt upset that he had let go? It hurts to think about it. He doesn't want to think about it, he should run. He feels his legs burning with the desire to be gone. He needs to escape from this house. This town. From the memories of him and Andrew and the foxes. He can’t bring Sir, so he texts Allison to come by his place the following morning, though in the morning he will be long gone. At least she will be able to take Sir in. Sir always loved Allison most of the other foxes anyway.

He stands up, grabs a duffel bag he had bought to take his stuff to Allison before the cremation and stuffs as much of the important things in it that he can. He leaves his toiletries behind, because he can always buy new ones when he reaches- Where is even going? He stops packing, and grabs the box with shaking hands. He should take it. 

But he can’t. He grabs a piece of paper and starts to write

“Allison,  
I’m sorry. I couldn’t stay. You understand why I can’t, don’t you. He was going to ask me to marry him, Allison.  
I would have said yes if I could have. If only I would have had the chance.  
I’m not dead.  
Please take care of Sir for me.  
-Neil”

He places the ring box on top of his letter on the bar and takes his duffel bag. He takes one last look around the apartment, and pets Sir one last time before stepping outside. He feels the cold hitting his face as he opens the front door of the complex building, and then he’s running. It’s late so there is hardly anyone about, and he is thankful for that because he’s sure he’s crying. Hair dye, a new passport, a new name, a new country. That’s all he needs right now. He isn’t Neil anymore. he can’t be Neil anymore. He was Neil when he was with Andrew, but without him he is nothing. Neil is gone, another identity 6 feet underground, buried right next to Nathaniel Wesninsky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And? Did it hurt more? let me know in the comments! and as always you can find me on tumblr! come yell at me if you feel the need to do so lol by clicking [ this link](https://eloquent-apollo.tumblr.com)  



End file.
